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Return of the Living Frenemy
Scott and Duke at the Park DUKE: I can't believe my sister invited my old friend Clint to Emi's Lifeday Party. (DULLY) The only life-ly thing Clint ever did for me is throw me a "Just Die Already!" party. laughter SCOTT: I thought you said he was your friend. DUKE: He is if you call a friend someone who pushes you in a swamp. SCOTT: Doesn't sound so bad. DUKE: This is different. One word: Alligators! laughter Anyway, besides Clint, I've got bigger fish to fry. SCOTT: Duke! (GASPS) I never thought you'd be the one to make a racist comment about fish! laughter DUKE: Yuh-huh . . . Look, Scott since I'll be handling my "Holo-Clint"— laughter I need you to watch the guys. Please. SCOTT: Why me? You know I have my own childhood friends to attend to. CHIRPING laughter DUKE: (TO HIMSELF) Apparently, the insects don't mind being racist. SCOTT: (SIGHS) Alright, I'll do it. But don't blame me if one of them gets eaten by a Mongolian Vertebrate Parasite. laughter DUKE: Is that a bug or a virus? laughter ---- [ theme song ] Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh C.B.S! C.B.S! C.B.S! It's more like a blockparty than a school C.B.S! C.B.S! But my friends keep on breakin' every rule C.B.S! C.B.S! My whole life is different Changing its sketch They get me burning sometimes Yeah, they got me on edge But the trusted me with the school friendly pledge And I don't wanna break their legs-legs-legs C.B.S! Whoah! C.B.S! Whoah! It's more like a blockparty than a school C! B! S! C.B.S! ----'Barry and Butch in Hallway 1:D' BUTCH: Okay, Barry, just remember. You didn't see nothing! BARRY: Nothing of what? BUTCH: Nice act, "B". BARRY: Seriously, what are we doing? laughter BUTCH: For the third time: We're going to sneak into Andy's room and get my joy buzzer back. BARRY: Why'd he take it from you in the first place? BUTCH: Because I put the last one I had in his underwear. laughter (Door lock clicks) BUTCH: Alright, I'm going in. If I die marry Katness for me. laughter BARRY: The girl rejects you, why would she differ with me? laughter BUTCH: Yeah---. ----'Butch in Andy's Dorm' BUTCH: Whoa! This place has more western flare than a Cowboy Band. laughter Okay, if I were my joy buzzer where would I be? Hmm . . . maybe, in Andy's closet! No. Then it's in his pillow. No, again. laughter Fine! Perhaps it's in his underwear! No, again-again. laughter (SNIFFS) Uh! I didn't know Andy I'd say he was against washing machines. laughter C'mon, Butch think! There's gotta be somewhere obvious I haven't— His drawer! (DRAWER OPENS, SHIRT SHAKES) No, again-again-again! laughter (CLOSES DRAWER) Hey, a note. It must've fallen from the shirt when I was shaking it. Hmm . . . Eh, could've hurt. (OPENS NOTE, READS) Dear My Love, I can no longer bear hiding my feelings. For the truth is: I love you, yes, I love you! So much so, if you were ever in peril I'd cut my throat to take your place. You mean the world to me and that's a fact. Yours, A. Mapel BUTCH: Yikes. If anyone finds out about this note Andy's social life will be ruined. People everywhere in school will know he's not as brutal as he says . . . . (GREEDILY) Perfect. All I gotta do is trade this baby for my joy buzzer and bam! Ha, ha, ha! Revenge is mine. (LIGHTING FLASHES) That's strange, lighting at 2:03? laughter Eh. ----'Duke House's - Kitchen' DUKE: (IMITATING CLINT) Oh, hey Duke! How are you? Oh I'm fine! Gosh, I'm just super-psyched to be spending two days with you. Just like when we were kids and I stuffed maggots in your pillow case at our sleepover! laughter (VIOLENTLY MASHES POTATOES) Hee, hee, hee, hee! (NORMAL VOICE) Good times! (DOOR OPENS) LU: Duke! It's called "mash potatoes" not "trashed potatoes"! laughter DUKE: Lu, I'm busy. But, if your gonna stay can ya hand me a saw? laughter LU: No way, you go get it. It's in your living room. laughter DUKE: Fine! I will! (WHISPERS) Ya six-toed pampered monkey! laughter OPENS DOOR ----'Duke's House - Living Room' DUKE: Clint?! CLINT: Duke! LU: Your welcome! laughter DUKE: You planned this, too? LU: Yep. Whadda ya think? DUKE: I think I should've kept that hammer in my hand! laughter CLINT: (SNORTS, PATS DUKE'S BACK) Kidder! laughter DUKE: Sorry, I didn't greet you sooner. I had to . . . cream the teeth marks on my legs. CLINT: What teeth marks? DUKE: The ones I got when you pushed me in that alligator-infested swamp! laughter LU: Took you only 20 seconds to fish that story out. laughter DUKE: (CHUCKLES) Well, it took the police only 20 hours to fish me out! laughter LU: CLINT: Duke, I wanted to say I'm sorry Category:Scripts